losing my grip

I have a good manager. He is putting some time aside for me this week to help with my planning, but I'm going to need help beyond work. I am seeing a Councillor fortnightly, where I share these thoughts, but I'm not sure that is enough either.

I almost didn't go to work yesterday, and maybe I shouldn't have as I got in late and was pretty miserable to be around.

My role change 10 months ago has been a big shift. Less technical now, but so much more challenging in different ways. Its not that I'm *bad* at my job. I've done good work and been recognised for it. The problems are coming from within. I struggle deeply with my confidence and negative self-talk, and I now work across the organisation workshopping and meeting with a myriad of new teams and individuals, and my state-of-mind is not prepared for it. In the last few months my skin and sleep has got worse, I'm balder and greyer. People are saying "you look tired". I am extremely stressed.

If I can't fix these issues then I will never be happy in my role. There is a job going in another department which is more in line with my previous role. I'm genuinely interested in it, I know I will enjoy and do well at it, I have a good relationship with the manager, and have a good chance of getting it, but I feel like I'd be copping out, rather than putting the hard work in to be comfortable in my current role.

Yet I don't think my current role is the right environment for me to improve myself in order to *be* comfortable. I think my confidence issues are so bad that being in a role that is constantly in the front line is making things worse. Chicken and egg.

I've traded borderline burnout in my old role for something that's close to impostor syndrome in this one. Not good.

I am using some leave to take an extended weekend this one coming. Regarding the job going, I will submit my resume and think on it more, but I really have to be careful how I approach everyone here as I don't want to mess up my professional relationships.

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email: zkbro@proton.me